


On the Death of Shepard

by sabreslove9



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 00:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3188558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabreslove9/pseuds/sabreslove9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan Alenko is lost after losing the Commander, but what does he do when she comes back? (Mass Effect 2 timeline.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the Death of Shepard

Shepard made her way through the Normandy, scanning the terminals and the crew as she walked. Here and there, subordinates saluted her, but she ignored them as she made her way toward the crew deck. An explosion wracked the ship and she stumbled, falling to her knees with a thud.

She looked up sharply and saw the crew mobilizing, assessing damage as her squadmates approached. Everyone was clamoring in an effort to know what was going on when another attack hit. “Escape pods, now!” she shouted, eyeing each of the squad in turn. “NOW!” They started toward the pods at a run, but Kaidan lingered, his eyes on her. “Go, Kaidan. Joker’s not gonna leave the Normandy behind, and I won’t leave him behind!”

"Shepard—"

"Now, Kaidan! That’s an order!" She shoved him toward the pod and turned to get to Joker.

Kaidan watched, heart in his throat, as the Commander made her way toward the bridge. She got Joker out of the seat and into an escape pod just as another blast wracked the ship. He watched, eyes wide with terror, as she tried to drag herself into the pod but lost her grip. She floated away from the Normandy and, he realized with a fascinated sort of horror, he could see the moment the vacuum of space stole the last breath from her lips.

His cheeks were wet and his breath came in short, shaking gasps. There were hands on his shoulders, tugging him back and tearing his gaze from the Commander’s floating form. He choked back a sob as Liara drew him close, his fingers gripping the back of her shirt tightly.

Shepard was gone.

—

It took nearly three months before Kaidan could leave his quarters on Earth without breaking down. He was devastated over losing the woman he loved, and he didn’t know how he’d been able to go on without her. He’d thought about ending his life but the remaining crew of the Normandy, especially Joker, talked him out of it.

He was beginning to wish they hadn’t.

Everything he saw brought some memory of her, and he didn’t know why. Maybe it was his brain being unable to get rid of her. He almost thought he could hear her calling his name, asking what the hell he was doing.

Anderson found him about six months after losing Shepard, half drunk and crying his eyes out on the floor of the apartment he’d gotten in Vancouver. He didn’t bother trying to talk to the broken man, simply lifting him up and leading him out to a shuttle that took them to a ship. He got on and realized, a little too late, where they were headed.

When the pair reached the Citadel, Kaidan felt as though he were going to throw up. Everything here — from the rebuilding after the attack to the things that hadn’t changed — reminded him of Shepard. Anderson looked back at the younger man and clapped him on the shoulder, hard.

"Hold it together."

Anger flashed in Kaidan’s gaze and he tore himself away from the Councilor’s grip. “‘Hold it together’?!” he shouted. “That’s all you can say to me is ‘hold it together’? I lost the woman I loved! She’s dead! And the most you have to offer me is to tell me to hold it together? How can I go on living like this, without her?”

Anderson stayed quiet at Kaidan’s outburst and simply watched the younger man for a few moments. “Would she have wanted this?” he asked, waving his hand in the lieutenant’s direction. “Would she have wanted you to lock yourself away and drink yourself to death?” Kaidan looked away again, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"No," he whispered hoarsely. "No, she wouldn’t have." Anderson nodded and led Kaidan off the ship and toward where the apartments were.

"You’re staying here from now on in case we need you."

—

Nearly a year after the destruction of the Normandy, Kaidan was finally beginning to recover. His face lost the gaunt, haunted look and he was able to smile a little again. He’d stopped seeing her everywhere and drinking his days away was a thing of the past.

He’d made friends with some other Alliance marines who were trying to get him out and about. He was still a little hesitant about the idea of being with someone other than Shepard, but he allowed them to take him out for dinner or drinks every so often.

He still missed Shepard badly, but he couldn’t do much about that. He thought about her almost every day and it was hard for him to focus on the present. Sometimes he’d get so wrapped up in his thoughts that his friends would have to drag him out of his apartment to get him to loosen up.

He noticed, after a few more months, how easy it was for him to stop thinking about her.

—

More than two years since he’d watched Shepard die, he was promoted to Staff Commander and sent to the colony of Horizon. The Alliance had received word of Cerberus activity in the area and sent him to investigate the goings-on. Whey they got to the planet, they started setting up a defensive measure in case the Collectors invaded. The locals were suspicious, thinking that the presence of the Alliance would draw attention to the colony.

He’d heard rumors that Shepard was alive, but he didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to think that she was alive and hadn’t tried to contact him. He shoved the thoughts aside to focus on his job.

When the attack came, Kaidan did his best to protect the colonists, but ended up paralyzed by the Collectors. Through sheer force of will and his biotics, he was able to fight off the paralysis and get into hiding, defending other colonists. When the fight was over, he went out to investigate and froze in place.

Shepard was alive.

His breath caught in his throat and it felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He couldn’t believe his eyes, the rumors were true. She turned and stared at him for a few moments, surprise in her eyes. He looked at the armor she wore and frowned a little when he saw the Cerberus logo there.

She was walking toward him, and he couldn’t contain himself. He drew her into his arms and held her close for a few moments, relishing in the feeling of having her in his arms again.

When they pulled back, the argument started. He asked why she didn’t try to contact him and why she was working with Cerberus. Had she betrayed the Alliance? He didn’t know if he could trust her yet. When she couldn’t give him a straight answer, he left.

Once they reached the Citadel again, he locked himself in his apartment with a full bottle of whiskey. He curled up on the floor and drank himself into a stupor, tears in his eyes as he thought about Shepard and the things he’d said. He hurt her, he knew, and he regretted almost every word, but something inside of him hurt at the thought of her being with Cerberus. He didn’t know if he could trust her or if she was even still herself.

Not for the first time, he felt alone in the galaxy.


End file.
